The Worst Things People Say When Trying To Be Comforting
Brianne Hogan
Updated December 24, 2025 at 1:00 PM
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Few things are worse than when you're dealing with something disappointing or hard, and you go to a friend only to hear, "Hang in there," or "Everything happens for a reason." Most of the time, those phrases leave us feeling unsupported.
Most of us don't even realize we're guilty of this. Because we've heard phrases like "You got this" or "There's more fish in the sea," we assume we're offering comfort, support or wisdom. But while well-intentioned, these lines often backfire, leaving the listener feeling dismissed or invalidated.
The times we feel most supported are usually when we hear personalized words of encouragement and soothing -- not something we could find on a Pinterest board.
We asked experts to weigh in on what not to say and what actually helps.
Common Comfort Phrases That Backfire
"Just be positive."
"It could be worse."
"Everything happens for a reason."
"At least you..."
"When one door closes, another opens."
"God/fate/the universe has a plan."
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
Or giving an example of when you went through something similar, or worse.
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"While well-intentioned, these statements bypass emotion rather than acknowledge it," said Erica Schwartzberg, a licensed master social worker. "They communicate distance instead of connection. The listener may feel dismissed, unseen, or even ashamed for having feelings that don't fit the 'positive' narrative."
These phrases don't work, she said, because "from a nervous system perspective, comfort only lands when safety and empathy are present. When someone says, 'Just be positive,' it can feel like pressure -- as if the person's authentic emotional state is too much."
This often increases stress and heightens self-criticism, pushing the person further from calm, according to Schwartzberg. Even saying "It could be worse" invalidates the body's felt experience of pain.
Kathy Richardson, assistant professor of Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Lebanon Valley College, adds: "While a person isn't trying to invalidate someone's feelings by saying these phrases, that's often the result. Hearing them when we're hurting can make us question our reactions. We might wonder, 'Am I overreacting?' or 'Am I too much for this person?' It teaches us that our pain isn't welcome in that space."
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It's safe to say most of us don't mean harm when we offer these lines. But as Thais Gibson, Ph.D., founder of The Personal Development School, explains, it's important to recognize that toxic positivity is often a form of emotional bypassing.
"Think about the last time you were told to 'just be positive.' Did it help? Probably not," Gibson said. "When you suppress your real emotions, your nervous system stays in a state of tension. It never gets the chance to process and release the original feeling. The body interprets that emotion as ongoing evidence that the original fear or belief is still true."
She adds that such phrases are often "an attempt to speed someone through their emotions to an outcome that feels more comfortable for the listener than for the person expressing."
In other words, you're not actually supporting your friend; you're trying to ease your own discomfort.
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How 'Bootstrapping' Or 'Pushing Through' Can Hurt
We live in a culture that glorifies effort and independence. So when someone we love is struggling, our instinct might be to tell them to "push through," "keep their head down," or "get over it." Sometimes, we even do it to ourselves.
"Pushing through emotional pain doesn't work in the long run," Gibson said. "In today's society, we glorify 'pushing through,' but there's a hidden emotional cost. When we tell someone to 'push through,' we're indirectly diminishing and deflecting their emotions. Whatever we repress or deflect always festers beneath the surface. Nothing gets fixed by denying feelings."
Schwartzberg agrees, explaining that phrases like "push through" activate the sympathetic (fight-or-flight) nervous system rather than helping someone down-regulate into a state of calm. "Over time, this approach leads to emotional burnout and disconnection from self and others," she said.
So what does work? Gibson recommends validating the other person's feelings before reframing the situation.
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For example, if your friend shares that she was passed over for a promotion, start by saying she has every right to feel disappointed. Instead of telling her to "get over it" or "prove herself," you might gently suggest that perhaps the rejection shows she's been working hard for a company that doesn't truly appreciate her.
"This allows the person to process and release the original feeling," Gibson said, "and then approach how they handle it differently -- and ultimately, more effectively."
What Actually Feels Supportive
So what is actually supportive to say to someone in need?
Schwartzberg said that comfort begins with curiosity and validation. Try:
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* "That sounds really hard."
* "Do you want to talk about it?"
* "I'm here with you."
* "It makes sense you feel that way."
* "You don't have to fix this right now."
"These statements help regulate the nervous system through co-regulation -- the sense that another person can hold space for your emotion safely," she explains.
In some cases, it's not what you say but how you show up. Richardson said showing support can be as simple as presence.
"Sometimes, just having someone there who doesn't need or want anything other than to be by our side is enough," she said. "It's OK to not know the right words. Be honest about that. Saying, 'I'm not sure what to say right now, but I'm here for you,' can mean the world."
And if you still feel the need to do something, offer something concrete: bring a meal, take them for coffee or invite them on a walk. "Rather than putting the onus on them ('Let me know if you need anything'), just do it. Be present, with no expectations," Richardson said.
Finally, remember: just because someone is sharing doesn't mean they're asking you to fix it. Most of the time, they just want to be seen.
"Sometimes, when people express themselves, we think it's our duty to fix their problems," Gibson said. "More often, someone just wants to be seen, understood and cared for. By validating their emotions and asking what they need, we're there for them on their terms -- instead of trying to rush them into feeling better so we can feel more comfortable."
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