With the holiday season upon us, many are spending more quality time with their family and friends. Seeing all the Friendsgiving gatherings over the last couple weeks, I couldn't help but envy the robust social circles of my peers.
I've lived in the Napa Valley for about three years now, and one of the hardest things for me when I first moved here was making new friends. I didn't have any friends where I was living to begin with, if I'm being honest. I was a community college student living with my parents, attending a very small school where I hung out with no one outside of class. I was a little bit of a hermit, come to think of it.
I moved without knowing anyone but my fiancée. Actually, I did know one other person from a summer camp I attended, but that relationship was very unhealthy and didn't last long. Additionally, I had several people tell me about someone my age who lived in town and also has an ostomy. We're still friends today, but she moved away a couple of years ago, sadly.
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At first, I didn't try too hard to put myself out there. I moved during the pandemic, so there weren't really any options for mingling or socializing. For the time being, I only hung out with my fiancée, not trying too hard to open options socially. After all, I wasn't even sure how long I'd be here.
Being sick also made it difficult for me to make friends. Having chronic illness during a global pandemic made my time outside limited, so all opportunities for meeting new people were virtually out the window.
Although, being in a pandemic and all, I can't say it was at the top of my priority list. Even now, without a pandemic, I am afraid that healthy people my age will be unable to relate to me, and we'll have nothing in common.
Still, as a naturally extroverted person, I grew increasingly desperate to put myself out there, to cultivate a relationship that was all my own, someone to have a mutually supportive relationship with that didn't feel forced. I didn't feel like this was too much to ask.
I even resorted to trying an app, Bumble BFF, to try to make friends. It's like a dating app, but for friendships instead of relationships. It was successful at first, and I did make one friend, and we hung out several times, including a double date. However, she moved to a different state shortly thereafter, and I was back to square one.
This being my third full year living in the area, I tried even more in earnest to make friends this year, looking to widen my social circle. I even attended a couple of events for young professionals and a handful of other social events for young people.
Why is it so hard to make friends in the Napa Valley? One part of it is that most young adults who live here were born and raised here, so they already have established friend groups that go back many years. It reminds me of when I transferred high schools, and was SOL when it came to making friends because everyone had been grouped up since kindergarten.
Everyone is already comfortable with the friends they've known forever -- why would they let anyone else in? I used to literally get called out for trying to "insert myself" into friend groups when I was really just trying to be friendly, and I don't want another situation like high school all over again.
Another problem is the instability of living in this county, for young people especially. With rent constantly rising and relatively low job security or opportunities, many young people live with one foot out the door. In a city where anything can happen, I've had several friends up and move to another (cheaper) state for better opportunities, and I'm worried about this concern weighing down my relationships. All that work for them to just move away? Can't say I blame them.
So what's the best way to make friends? Honestly, getting out into the community has really made the difference for me. Attending groups for Napa's young professionals, Sober in the Valley, or even yoga and exercise classes are great places to meet people.
I've been lucky enough to have met a handful of wonderful people through my column, and I'm always so overwhelmed with the support I receive whenever I'm recognized or contacted. One of my best friends I've made so far in Napa was someone I met through my column, and I'm so grateful to have that connection in my life.
I admit, I slacked a little bit this year on the social front. The reality is, the older you get, the harder it is to maintain a social life. I'm only in my mid-to-late 20s, and people are already swamped with work and other obligations, having to schedule social activities months in advance sometimes. I can't imagine what it'll be like in my 30s -- I'll probably spend my 20s finding my friends, and my 30s never seeing them.
Chloe Moody is a graduate student in San Francisco State University's English Literature department. She lives in American Canyon with her partner.
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