"My favourite was the story of Ella, whose date, evidently expecting rain, had brought a brolly that she had ended up being encumbered with for the evening.
"While some thought this was a terrible imposition, one relative opined 'Why the hell should Ella's fella no lumber Ella wi' a numbrella!'"
(Not) all present and correct
Yuletide memories from Rick Davis in Vienna: "I remember being a kid on Christmas Eve," says Rick.
"A glass of whisky was poured and left by the fire, plus a selection of veg, for Santa and the reindeers."
"Surely this couldn't be right," adds Rick, who goes on to ponder, "how many parents used the excuse of Santa being drunk and losing a prized, difficult to obtain, present..."
Bar-room badinage
Visiting a favourite tippling joint in Johntsone, Gary Moore was asked by the woman serving at the bar: "Can I get you a beer?"
"No, no," said Gary. "I'm driving. I'm after something soft."
"Soft?" spat out the contemptuous bar lady. "How about a pillow?"
Tree-mendous question
Houseproud Ruth Adams was once browsing in IKEA with her teenage daughter, Jane.
As they studied all the pieces of timber, patiently waiting to be turned into furniture, a curious Jane said to mum: "So what exactly is an Ikea... some kind of tree?"
Love... actually?
Some people claim that the Diary does not provide examples of the popular literary genre known as romance.
A canard!
We are every bit as romantic as Pride and Prejudice, or even Lady Chatterley's Lover (minus the galoshes and gratuitous galivanting, of course.)
Margaret Thomson tells us that some years age she was sitting in a tearoom opposite her husband, who seemed to be studying her lovingly.
Before Margaret had time to sigh or swoon, hubby broke the silence with this endearing comment: "You've got more on one eye than the other."
Food for thought
A bitesize bit of bah humbug from David Donaldson, who tells us that both he and his wife Marion are on a strict diet, "and it is getting on our nerves a bit."
This sorry state of affairs led Marion to say to David: "I need something to eat to stop me feeling so nibbley."
"It's been a while since I smoked alcohol," says Chris Robertson. (Image: Diary Pic)
Picture... perfect?
"I posted a holiday snap of me in my trunks," says reader Simon Sherwood. "It's got 200 Yikes already."