Opinion: What a year! Can we all just accept now that 2025 really, really sucked?
This was the year we stopped believing in just about everything. Where once we looked to America as the upholders of global justice, suddenly most of Europe was running about going 'let's do a kickstarter to buy some guns because Trump appears to have dumped the free world and become arse-licky besties with Putin'.
Gaza, the Epstein files, Ukraine, celebrity ozempic, White House ballrooms, the guest list for Jeff Bezos' wedding - it's been quite the tidal douchebag of catastrophic news, all of it so crazy it seemed impossible it was even real.
Then again, the situationship we found ourselves in back home hasn't been a picnic either. From school lunches to Jevon McSkimming, treating Te Tiriti like some gum on the sole of our shoe and the catastrophic cost of living crisis, it's hard to know who or what to believe in anymore. So, for the record, here is my own reality checklist of the beliefs I still hold firm to for 2025 and beyond.
I believe the age you got given by Spotify Wrapped is not a New Year's Eve party icebreaker.
I believe real billionaires are as boring in person as the ones in Mountainhead.
I believe Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau are a much hotter couple than Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom.
I believe we landed on the moon (no apologies to Kim Kardashian).
I believe that the new Ryan Murphy show, All's Fair, is the worst thing to happen to television since the last Ryan Murphy show.
I believe Kris Jenner's facelift is the plastic surgery flex we never knew we needed.
I believe to be on the safe side JD Vance should be kept away from all future popes.
I believe Putin has the photos of 'Trump blowing Bubba'.
I believe RFK Jr's brain worm is very much still alive and creating health policy.
I believe Pete Hegseth said 'kill everyone onboard'.
I believe the 20 people who allege Nigel Farage was a vile, racist bully at school.
I believe Usha Vance and Melania are the real Quiet Piggies who might yet squeal.
I believe that Michael Wolff's Instagram lures you in with the politics but it's his cardigan game that keeps you hooked.
I believe the rumour Philip Polkinghorne went straight to the Northern Club for drinks with mates after the verdict which is like, totally normal right?
I believe millennials should put down their phones and start reading books with their children if they want to stop them being illiterate.
I believe that even having Anna Wintour as her personal stylist couldn't save Lauren Sanchez.
I believe Andrew is now holding the Queen's corgis to ransom to extort Charles.
I believe that Chris Luxon should be given a marmite sandwich and an apple for his New Year's lunch.
I believe when the United Nations' Special Rapporteur feels compelled to step in to express concern about the erosion of indigenous rights in your country you should listen to them, not retaliate with a bratty letter.
I believe when people refer to just wanting New Zealand to be like it was when they were growing up, those people are Hobson's Pledge.
I believe the phrase 'hard-working New Zealanders' is spat out by the kind of people who have no idea what hard work actually is.
I believe David Harbour clearly didn't have a clue what he was getting into when he fucked over Lily Allen but he is very much finding out.
I believe our country is going in the wrong direction.
I believe America is going in the wrong direction.
I believe the world is going in the wrong direction.
I believe democracy was a flash in the pan and it's about to end.
I believe the dinosaurs ruled this world for 300 million years and we won't do much better than 300 thousand. Well played dinosaurs!
I believe that by 2050, 30 to 50 percent of the animal species alive on earth right now will be extinct.
I believe that feminism has peaked and women of the future will tragically never have it as good as I did.
I believe it must be driving the haters mental to watch Jacinda glowing on Graham Norton.
I believe white interiors are over and colour-drenching is crucial.
I believe boring, formal gardens are over and Amangansett-chic rewilding is mandatory.
I believe this country will soon be filled entirely with rest-home crumblies because all our rangatahi have understandably moved to Australia.
I believe the arts are not a 'nice to have' but a significant contributor to our economy and we need to focus on creativity, innovation and being clever instead of mining for stuff that's not actually there.
I believe Trent Dalton's Gravity Let Me Go is a bonkers page-turner.
I believe New Zealand has more readable commercial novelists than ever before: Chidgey, Shapiro, Paris, Pellegrino, Spooner...
I believe in a two state solution.
I believe the lyrics to Sabrina Carpenter's 'Manchild' are going to live rent-free in my brain for the entire summer.
I believe people need to cut Emerald Fennell some slack until Wuthering Heights comes out and ask yourself 'what would Cathy do?' before you annihilate her.
I believe one of the most beloved characters on Stranger Things has to die and it won't be Hopper or Eleven.
I believe the 'move along' laws being instated to 'solve' homelessness in downtown Auckland are morally reprehensible.
I believe that Reo Māori and an accurate history of Aotearoa should be compulsory to year 13.
I believe Coe is my new favourite character now in Slow Horses but on second thoughts it could be Roddy.
I believe if I hear the phrase 'rammed down our throats' come out of his mouth one more time I shall be compelled to ram a mouldy Christmas turducken down David Seymour's throat.
I believe in peace on earth, empathy and goodwill to mankind.
I don't believe it's coming anytime soon.