Official state propaganda asserts that Kim Jong-il was born on a sacred mountain, heralded by a double rainbow and the appearance of a new star in the sky. Official biographies insist he never defecated because his body was "too pure". Kim Jong-un, his successor, is held as a "genius among geniuses".
Nicolae Ceacescu was another genius - "the Genius of the Carpathians", "the Danube of Thought", the "Titan of Titans". Poets wrote "Ceaucescu, you are the morning star that lights our way, the oak that shelters our people".
In Russia, children were taught that "Stalin is our greatest friend - he loves you more than your parents do".
And on Sunday 12 October at the majestic band club of the great St George in Bormla, the inspirational deputy leader, one of the most influential MEPs across the great European plains, Alex Agius Saliba declared, without the slightest hint of irony, "the only guarantee for hobbies, for culture and for tradition will remain Robert Abela".
Labour's Pravda, ONE News reported Agius Saliba's illuminated declaration with huge fanfare. They provided the great leader's disciples a clip of what must now rank as the party's new teaching. Soon it will become part of the national curriculum, it will be taught in schools around the country - there is only one man, one national hero who can protect our national hobbies, who'll shield our unique Maltese culture from the ravages which those evil Opposition traitors wanted to inflict.
Robert Abela is "the Gardener of Human Happiness". Like Mao Tse Tung he is "the red sun in our hearts", the blood that rushes through our veins bursting with culture and tradition. He is the Knight of the Maltese nation, the Glory of the Mediterranean. Next thing we'll be naming months of the year after his parents, tugboats after his wife, and national parks after his daughter. We'll discover how he was lifting heavy weights before he was out of his nappy, how he won international body-building championships before he entered puberty.
The Labour Party lined up a list of sycophants glorifying the great Leader at that event held at Bormla's St George's band club. Karl Izzo, Joseph Muscat's bosom friend and Labour's ambassador to that other shining example of good governance, Montenegro, was there to hail the leader's generosity - "his investment in sport is huge".
Antvin Monseigneur, the new President of the Malta Sports Journalists Association and a senior manager at Labour's Lands authority bowed before the great leader and announced to the world - "You are seeing the word guarantee - Robert Abela is the guarantee for your traditions".
Lucas Micallef, President of the Federation for Hunting and Conservation which received land concessions, regulatory anarchy and thousands of euro in direct funding from Labour, commented that he was very hurt because "in parliament, they (PN) said, that allegedly we were bought".
Labour's event was billed as a discussion on hobbies and traditions. Instead it was a celebration of the cult of the great leader.
Noel Aquilina, a member of Bormla's St George's band club (but which calls itself St George Philharmonic Society) set the standard for grovelling to the leader - "I thank you for your commitment and support to continue expanding our culture and helping voluntary societies to continue exposing and growing Maltese culture".
Feast researcher Mario Coleiro peddled Labour's fear mongering - "In Maltese we have a proverb - whoever fails to get through the door, will get in through the window; but unfortunately we saw recently that we not only left the window open for them (PN) but also left the door wide open so that whoever wanted to cause harm to Maltese festi, could do whatever he likes, could go to Court and stop Maltese feasts". Shock and horror, those nasty PN baddies were about to stop Maltese "festi", they were scheming to snuff out our beautiful fireworks, to confiscate our waterpolo balls.
"We have enough problems with pending Court cases, our sport is already threatened, and we certainly didn't need this law to put us in an even more awkward position from what we're already in," Malta Shooting Federation President Frans Pace added
Labour kept the big guns for the end. Ian Borg, fresh from his Trump Nobel prize nomination disaster, claimed that the PN banned hunting and Labour saved it.
Alex Agius Saliba, eager to outdo his fellow deputy leader, came up with more choice rabble-rousing - "These hobbies are part of our Maltese identity and the PN could have stopped them". "That's what they (PN) did, and that is what they will do again, they proved to us they'll do the same once they return to power, they didn't manage to get their constitutional amendments through, but when they're in government this will be their absolute priority....I repeat, the only guarantee for hobbies, for culture and for tradition will remain Robert Abela". Cue for delirious applause and hysterical hand-waving.
Then the great leader himself ascended to the stage. A deafening silence fell. Prime Minister Robert Abela revealed to his adoring public that he had issued an imperial order to his Justice Minister to entrench those beloved hobbies and traditions in the highest law of the land - the Constitution.
"I'm pleased to share with you that this is the road that we'll be following in the coming days. We'll introduce safeguards for our traditions and hobbies in the Constitution to provide a guarantee in the highest law of the land so that what you hold so much at heart will be protected once and for all. That's how those who have the interests of society at heart work".
Like every great Labour Leader worth his salt Abela proudly proclaimed that he'll be showering more taxpayer's money onto those beloved traditions and hobbies. He'll spend hundreds of thousands of taxpayers' euro on buying more band clubs. He'll even help with their bank loans. The Marsa racehorse track will be completed, the quarter-mile race track will be inaugurated. Land in the North will be set aside for camping. L-Ahrax tal-Mellieha will be upgraded for use by caravan owners.
Not even Dom Mintoff, whose statue outside St George's band club looked away despondently, was ever as loved as the great Robert Abela.