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I continue to ask the questions in this series. Many people might believe that these questions make us bitter or that we're just causing problems by asking them. I hope the questions help us evolve into a better state of being. Being outside of organized religion, I can finally hear the whispers and observe the drumbeat of the universe, along with the peace and comfort that I find. I find my comfort not in a finalized belief statement but in a way of being that continues to question everything.
Much of the work that I have done on my mental health and my trauma are things like my lack of self-esteem and my desire to be approved of by others. Everyone is different, and the events that happen in our lives affect all of us differently. But wanting people to like us is more of a weakness than a strength. It bypasses the idea that we can be comfortable even alone when all the connections are good. If we have to accept and approve of others, it can lead us to immature behavior.
Most of the mistakes I see by religious leaders are the narcissistic demands that the people in the congregation should follow and elevate leadership. This allegiance differs from uncomplicated loyalty to a boss, commitment to the job, or friendship. The narcissist demands complete devotion and unquestioned loyalty even when the leader crosses behavioral lines. The narcissist demands a different set of rules for themselves since they assume followers should treat them differently.
We would never say we worship a pastor or legislator, but we put them on a pedestal and allow them to live by a different set of rules. In churches, members submit to the narcissist, limit their own questions, and make sure the organization and the leadership always look good.
We are just now catching up with the science around narcissists and discovering directly their negative impact on society and the churches they lead. A new study from Birgit Schyns, Distinguished Professor of People and Organizations at NEOMA business school in France, and colleagues from Cardiff University Business School and the Department of Psychology at Durham University sheds light on the issue by exploring the impact of 'vulnerable' narcissists, particularly in organizations that are going through a crisis. They state:
"Deeply insecure, defensive and neurotic, vulnerable narcissists behave in ways designed to mask their sense of their own incompetence and inadequacy - such as micromanaging, failing to give employee guidelines, blaming others for their own shortcomings, and exhibiting a heightened need for affirmation."[1]
As we learn about the character traits of our narcissistic leaders, especially in churches, we begin to see the connection with much of the trauma and devastation that happens in organized religion. The insecurity of what I sometimes call Toddlers in Charge can lead to power differentials, trauma for the congregants, and a need for unquestioned loyalty and devotion. Even though they encourage us to worship God, congregants often feel like they are serving and worshiping the leadership because they require it.
Only the insecure, narcissistic leader would need to be constantly praised or told of their greatness. Every once in a while, we meet a genuinely confident, self-assured person who shows us the difference between those who need to be constantly assured and those who are confident within themselves.
For too long, especially in the United States, we have been hiring narcissistic leaders, politicians, and pastors. Their need to be elevated and appreciated drives them to succeed in business and other organizations like government and religion.
However, this warped understanding of leadership leads to abuse and neglect of the ordinary people in the community. Regular citizens have begun to fight back. We are learning to call out abusive leaders and hold them accountable for forgetting their original mission and not respecting and treating others fairly.
This slow and painful process requires a certain amount of awakening. Organizations condition us to be codependent with their narcissistic leaders, and we suffer a sort of abuse when we ask too many questions or take a stand for justice.
Going through a deconstruction causes a person to evaluate these things very closely, and the natural result is applying this evaluation to God. If God is our ultimate leader, and God is perfect, then he should not be the least bit insecure. The Lord of all Lords and King of all Kings should have no reason to need constant praise. A God that claims to be all-powerful, all-knowing, and completely self-aware would not need constant reassurance of their greatness.
The best people I have ever met are the ones who are self-aware and secure in their skin (so to speak).
Why would the supreme ruler of the universe need reassurance? Regardless of our politics, as we mature and ask the right questions, it is easier to spot the authentic, true leaders that have gone before us. You may not agree with their politics or even be involved in the same religion, but the genuine, self-assured leader stands out from the narcissistic wolf pack of leaders striving for their own personal gain.
Why put God in that same box? Christianity conditions Christians to do this regularly. When things go right, they automatically give credit to God, and when they do not, they blame it upon themselves because they can't imagine their assumptions about God are wrong.
If God requires or accepts worship, then He is less than perfect. The "normal" people don't have fellowship, companionship, or mutual love with narcissistic leaders. Worshipping a being never brings us into the right relationship with it. It only separates us further and creates harmful power differentials. We can respect our leaders and cooperate without overtly stressing our inequality.
I have been on disability for several years since my stroke. My current situation is that I cannot do as many things as other people. Most people treat me with respect, and we interact and cooperate, but I don't feel the need to elevate or worship those who are differently abled than me. Just because they can do something for me doesn't make them better than me. I am different but not inferior to them.
If God is real, He should be better than me in many ways. He should use his ability and power to enhance everything in the world. If God has all these abilities that could help me, he/she/they should help me and not require or desire that I "worship" them for being better. The fact that God is better than me is under intense scrutiny as I journey and discover, especially since he seems to be more like these narcissistic "toddlers" than several humans that I have come to admire.
[1] https://www.managementtoday.co.uk/why-vulnerable-narcissistic-leaders-dangerous/indepth/article/1839373#