Q: This year, my father's dementia reached the point where we had to place him in a local care facility. This will be the first Christmas when Grandpa isn't part of our family celebration. I'm concerned about how to handle this with our kids; do you have any suggestions?
Jim: Some years back, when my sons were young, I went with them to help deliver Christmas gift bags to assisted living centers. At our first stop we immediately met a woman named Helen. She was sitting on the edge of her bed when we walked in, and she was excited to see us -- not just because she was friendly, but because she was lonely. She told us, "I have sons and daughters. But no one in my family visits me anymore."
Many elderly people spend Christmas alone -- but no group is isolated more than dementia patients. The disease robs people of their families in more ways than one. It's not just that someone with dementia starts forgetting who their family and friends are; often their loved ones simply stop visiting because of it. One study found that, unfortunately, nearly half of family members believe there's no benefit to visiting someone who no longer recognizes them.
But there is a benefit. Even as mental acuity dies, the emotional center of a dementia patient's brain is still very much alive. That means they can feel love even if they're unable to express it back to you.
So this Christmas, if you have a loved one with dementia, go see them and shower them with affection. It's important for everyone in the family -- and especially the children -- to recognize that the person you all love is still very much present. They're just hidden behind their disease. And even if they can't express love back to you like they once did, they can feel it.
Q: I want Christmas to be a time of family bonding. But even if/when we're all in the same place at the same time, there's generally one or more screens involved (TV, phones). How can we change this pattern?
Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This requires intentionality, especially since technology is so pervasive in our day-to-day lives. Tech isn't bad, it just needs limits.
Building relationships takes time and intentional effort to be actively engaged with someone else. Families I've counseled who succeed in this area make proactive decisions to establish balanced limits on tech as a household. Those parents go beyond the what ("no phones at the dinner table") and help their kids understand the why -- and then enforce the standards consistently.
So, I suggest that you sit down as a family and draw up guidelines and a menu of options for alternate activities. Admittedly, kids may not be pleased with the shift at first. But they should get on board as they see that you're prioritizing time with them -- and as you all experience increased connection. Involve the children in developing a list of creative ideas that may or may not include technology. Consider everyone's age, personality, and preferences, then take turns selecting things to do together.
The list is endless -- board games, cooking, building snowmen, hikes, hide-and-seek, caroling in your neighborhood, etc. A key idea to keep in mind is creating versus just consuming. For example, eating cookies is more fun if you baked them together. Or, instead of just watching a movie, make and edit one of your own with your collective phones.
This Christmas, try to be an intentional parent who uses reasonable and helpful limits to work toward being more connected as a family. That's a gift for everyone!
For more practical tips on thriving as a family, see FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.
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Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
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