Watching "The Real Housewives of Orange County" in its 19th season, I'm increasingly reminded of the writer Gertrude Stein's famous quote about her childhood home of Oakland.
"There is no there there," Stein wrote in her autobiography nearly 90 years ago, a line often misinterpreted as a dig at Oakland when it actually reflected a kind of sad nostalgia for what once was but is no more.
I don't know if anyone is sadly nostalgic for the glory days of RHOC, such as they were, but as a recapper, it sure was more fun to write about before the reality gossip industry seemed to become the unseen hand guiding so many of the show's storylines.
Consider how these first first six episodes of the 19th season have focused on things that Katie Ginella has allegedly been whispering about the other housewives to reality TV gossip podcasters.
So far, we've watched Poor Katie get hammered by Tamra Judge, Shannon Storms Beador, Gina Kirschenheiter, and Emily Simpson for allegedly spreading dirt to reseed the lawns at all of Heather Dubrow's mansions.
Katie has mostly denied, but she's still dangling on the hook based on ... what? Anonymous sources telling Tamra, mostly, what Katie, allegedly, is telling podcasters and social media bloggers, none of whom are named except for Kiki Monique, host of the Reality Checked podcast on Sirius.XM.
Kiki apparently met with Katie - she's confirmed that and there's a photo of them on social media - but while Katie has allegedly spilled all kinds of tea to her, she's not revealed any receipts that would back up Tamra's third- or fourth-hand accounts of backstabbing.
How bad has all the off-screen gossiping made the show this season? On the episode that aired Thursday, Aug. 14, Tamra's big reveal involves something that allegedly happened involving her and Gretchen Rossi some 17 YEARS AGO.
The Night of Naked Wasted, as Gretchen calls it, happened during Gretchen's first time on the show when her prim ways at housewives' dinner parties got Tamra and then housewife Vikki Gunvalson so frustrated they joked about getting Gretchen "naked wasted." Housewives, man.
We do see a clip of Gretchen clothed and apparently inebriated, so something happened that night. What Tamra tells Gretchen this week is that Katie told the gossip professionals that Gretchen told her that Tamra had "roofied" her that night. (Can you tell how hard this is to follow?)
First, that almost certainly never happened, and second, I feel like I'm losing IQ points with every minute I spend writing this nothingburger nonsense.
Gretchen tells Tamra she never said this, Katie tells Gretchen she never did that, Tamra says her sources asked not to be identified. It all comes to a head a dinner in a non-haunted New Orleans restaurant when Gretchen tells Tamra that, after talking with Kati,e she believes her when she says she never told anyone any of that.
"What are you saying? I just pulled that out of my (bleep)?" Tamra says.
"Congratulations, Katie, your excuses worked for one person," shouts Shannon, who has her own beef with Katie and is happy to believe anything anyone says about her.
Shannon then shouts at Katie, "Oh! I can't stand you! I can't!"
I start to wonder if servers get hazard pay when a herd of housewives gets corralled into their section.
"Where's the proof that that happened?" Gretchen quite reasonably asks. "I haven't seen anything, so I'm just supposed to be like (bleep) you and not talk to (Katie)?"
Shannon looks aghast, and hollers down the table, "There are multiple reputable reporters!" in reference to the housewives-gossip complex that almost certainly doesn't know AP style from A&P supermarkets.
Jenn Pedranti decides it's time to call out Tamra on her sniping and demands to see the photograph of Jenn supposedly that Tamra showed Heather Dubrow, and which, to Jenn, has taken on the significance of the Zapruder film.
"What is the issue?" Jenn asks about Tamra's problem with her.
Gina suggests that Tamra might be one or two or three sheets to the wind. I start to wonder if the Palace Cafe has enough stairs for Supernanny to put all of them on their own naughty step.
Tamra gets up and leaves, telling a producer that she just wants to go home. She hops in a car, calls husband Eddie Judge and asks him to find her an early flight out of New Orleans.
Back in the restaurant, the housewives are alerted to a brand-new Instagram post from Tamra.
"It was a long run!" she wrote in the post. "When life gives you real problems [her BFF Teddi Mellencamp had recently been diagnosed with cancer], the reality [bleep] doesn't make sense. Peace out. I'm out."
"To be continued" flashes on the screen, and in the Golden Era of Housewives, when they actually interacted with each other face-to-face instead of through anonymous intermediaries, you can imagine a collective gasp rippling through the households of viewers.
Alas, in real time, this post stayed up long enough to enter the Housewives blog-o-sphere, so everyone had plenty of time to react and explore what it really meant months before the show premiered.
To paraphrase another quotation from Gertrude Stein, a snooze is a snooze is a snooze. Wake me when the next episode starts.