The Keys to Overcoming Harsh Rejections & Ghosting as a Gay Man Looking for Love
Str8Curious is a monthly AskMen column where out and proud lifestyle expert Joey Skladany answers burning questions from heterosexual men about sex, dating, and the LGBTQ+ community. No topic is off limits as he candidly lends advice, debunks stereotypes, and gives it to you straight -- err -- gay. Should you be interested in submitting a question for editorial consideration (and we will respect anonymity), feel free to ping Joey directly on Instagram or email him at [email protected]).
"I am new to dating guys and have found them to be particularly harsh when it comes to rejection. They either ghost or block on apps and seem to only be interested in one-night stands. Is this the norm? If so, how can I protect myself moving forward since this is starting to affect my self-esteem?" - Milo, Brooklyn, NY
Admittedly, this is the first time in Str8Curious history where I've felt like the most qualified and unqualified person to answer this question.
I am notoriously horrible with rejection. If a guy breaks my heart, I don't receive a job offer, or face any of life's more common adversities, my reaction comes in three phases:
While I continue to go through these motions every so often (nobody's perfect), I was fortunate enough to find a therapist who helped me hit pause and recognize two important factors to keep in mind as I begin to spiral. Call it mindfulness, call it self-awareness, call it whatever you'd like, but if you are down in the dumps, especially when it comes to rejection from a boy, always remember this:
Rejection is, most of the time, in no way a reflection of you. And you'll likely never receive concrete feedback as to why someone has decided to part ways. While frustrating and sad, take a beat and remind yourself that you may not be privy to what's going on in their personal lives. Maybe they feel threatened by your success. Maybe your confidence can be intimidating. Maybe your sense of humor reminds them of a toxic ex. We aren't afforded the time and luxury of having all of these questions answered, but we can control how we respond. And if it is a genuine lack of attraction on their end, consider the rejection to be a blessing. You never want to be with someone who doesn't value you and your most authentic self. That's the recipe for a relationship disaster.
Gays are notoriously harsh with rejection because hurt people hurt others. Think about it -- for many gay men, we grew up being othered and ostracized for our entire early lives. It can now feel good, at least temporarily, to reverse roles and maintain a position of control. This can sometimes come at the expense of others, as there is a morbid satisfaction in inflicting the same type of pain that was once inflicted upon you.
Is this right or even healthy? Of course not. Is this something that people don't always realize they're doing? Yes. One can easily assume that all gay men have overcome the same obstacles and developed thick skin. The reality is that these wounds never fully heal and, if anything, we're more sensitive to feelings of rejection because we experienced them at such an extreme level. A "he'll get over it" mentality isn't right, but often stems from a history of trauma. Recognizing that a romantic partner may be acting out because he's "broken" can help remind you of the strides you've made in becoming a decent and compassionate person.
Some guys really just want sex. Gay men are horny. Period. There's a whole lotta testosterone in gay relationships and sometimes dudes just want to get their rocks off and be on their merry way. While that can be annoying if you feel like you've established a deeper connection and this partner wasn't upfront with his intentions, take a step back to appreciate the fleeting moment of intimacy and demand more clarity upfront in the future.
Rejection sucks, even if it's an inevitable part of life. If it seems like gay men are particularly horrible by being emotionally closed off and not providing proper explanations for their actions, consider their upbringing. But don't let this discourage you from dating altogether. We, as a community, must continue to flip the script and put an end to these bad habits by being upfront and honest with those we no longer want to pursue relationships with. It may feel uncomfortable, both as the initiator and receiver, but transparency is the foundation to quicker healing.