Ah, the holidays -- the time of year we're all supposed to be merry and bright, right? Except, your teen is sulking in their room, dodging every family activity like it's a pop quiz, and rolling their eyes at your favorite holiday playlist (how dare they!). You're left wondering, What's their problem? And what do I do about it?
First, take a deep breath. If your teen's vibe is more Grinch than festive elf, you're not alone. The holiday season can stir up a whirlwind of emotions for everyone, but for teens -- who are already juggling hormones, identity exploration, and social pressures -- it can feel like a full-blown storm.
Here's why your teen might be extra moody right now and, more importantly, how you can become their ally during the holiday madness.
Social Overload: Holiday parties, family reunions, and endless events can overwhelm even the most extroverted teen. Add in the stress of navigating awkward small talk with distant relatives or answering anxiety-inducing questions like "What are you doing after high school?" or "Are you dating anyone?", and you've got an explosive recipe for disaster.
Pressure to Be Happy: The holidays often come with an unspoken expectation to be joyful. For teens who are already feeling off, this pressure can make them withdraw even more.
Missing Loved Ones or Traditions: Teens feel nostalgia too. Changes in family dynamics, like divorce or the loss of a loved one, can hit hard. Even simple changes, like a sibling going off to college, can make holiday traditions feel different.
Friendships & Search for Identity: The holidays can feel disconnecting for teens, especially if they're missing their friends or grappling with their sense of identity. While younger children often look forward to family gatherings, teens may feel more connected to their peer groups, making the break from school a source of isolation. For those navigating their identity -- whether emotionally, socially, or in terms of gender and sexuality -- the holidays can add an extra layer of stress. They might feel out of place in family settings where expectations or assumptions about who they "should" be feel overwhelming. Supporting them through this includes being mindful of the people you invite into your home during events and creating a space where your teen feels free to be themselves. Allowing time for calls or virtual hangouts with friends can also help them feel more connected and ease the sting of separation.
Academic Stress: Let's not forget finals season is often right before the holidays. Teens may enter the break mentally and emotionally drained.
Body Image & Social Comparisons: From holiday photos to social media feeds filled with picture-perfect moments, the season can amplify insecurities. That cozy holiday sweater? Your teen might be silently dreading wearing it to the family gathering. That savory traditional meal? It could be a source of anxiety if they're preoccupied with diet culture messages or feeling self-conscious about their appearance. Teens are often bombarded with unrealistic beauty standards, and holiday gatherings can put a spotlight on body image concerns, especially when well-meaning relatives make comments about weight, food choices, or appearance.
When dealing with a moody teen during the holidays, it's easy to feel tempted to either persuade them into holiday cheer or let them stay in their room indefinitely. But there's a middle ground -- one that acknowledges their feelings while supporting their mental health.
A study published in the Scandinavian Journal of Hospitality and Tourism introduces the concept of "family flow," which describes the deep sense of connection and enjoyment families experience during shared activities. In the context of holidays, this could mean simple, low-pressure moments like decorating the tree, baking cookies, or playing board games in a relaxed environment. These shared experiences help foster a sense of togetherness and belonging, even amidst the seasonal hustle.
For teens who might feel withdrawn or moody, creating low-pressure opportunities for connection can help them feel included without adding stress. The goal isn't to force holiday cheer but to provide space for meaningful, organic interactions.
Use the holidays as a chance to check in with empathy and understanding. Teens, like adults, are entitled to their moods. Avoid pressuring them to "snap out of it" or demanding explanations for how they feel. Instead, keep the conversation natural and nonjudgmental. A simple, "You seem a little off -- everything okay?" can go a long way in helping them feel seen and creating a safe space for them to open up if they're struggling.
You can even offer an escape plan for potentially overwhelming family gatherings or parties. Let them know it's okay to take breaks, whether that means stepping outside for some fresh air or retreating to a quiet room. Giving them a "no-questions-asked" pass to step away can make these events feel less daunting and more manageable.
It's important to remember that you can't expect your teen to express their true feelings during the holidays if you haven't been fostering that connection throughout the year. Teens are more likely to share what's on their minds when they feel safe and supported consistently, not just during moments of stress or tension. Building this foundation means showing up for them regularly, listening without judgment, respecting their boundaries, and validating their emotions, even when you don't fully understand them. If that trust hasn't been established yet, it's not too late to start. Focus on being present, approachable, and patient. Opening up takes courage, and teens need to feel confident that they won't be met with criticism or dismissal when they do decide to share. The holidays can be an opportunity to start strengthening that bond, but it's the day-to-day effort that truly makes a difference.
You might also start to rethink family traditions. Not every holiday ritual will resonate with your teen forever, and that's perfectly okay. Ask them which traditions still feel meaningful and if there are any they'd like to adapt or skip this year. Maybe they've outgrown decorating cookies, but they'd enjoy a low-key hot chocolate and movie night. While this doesn't mean allowing them to skip every family dinner, providing some decision-making power can help them feel respected and reduce resistance.
One of the most effective ways to support your teen is to model self-care. If you're running yourself ragged to make the holidays perfect, your teen will pick up on that stress. Show them that it's okay to set boundaries, say "no" to overcommitment, and prioritize mental health. By demonstrating self-care, you're teaching them to do the same.
Finally, know when to seek help. If your teen's moodiness goes beyond the typical holiday blues -- if they're isolating themselves completely, expressing hopelessness, or showing significant changes in behavior -- it may be time to consult a mental health professional. Taking this step communicates that their well-being is a priority and ensures they get the support they need.
The holidays don't have to look like a Hallmark movie to be meaningful. Your teen's reluctance to join in doesn't mean you're failing as a parent -- it just means they're a teen. By giving them grace, staying curious about their feelings, and adjusting expectations, you can create a season that feels good for the entire family. And who knows? They might just surprise you with a smile when you least expect it.
Welcome to Family Reset, a monthly column and must-go destination for all parents seeking guidance (and grasping for some sanity) in the wild adventure of raising children. Behind this compelling and candid read is New York psychotherapist, writer, editor, and "mommyyy" Zuania Capó, (or just call her Z), a compassionate, multicultural, and integrative therapist passionate about supporting families to thrive and connect. Armed with a touch of wisdom, insightful tips, a witty spirit, tons of honesty, and a sprinkle of humor, she is here to help you navigate the complexities of parenthood while prioritizing your well-being.
Family Reset is not just a source of advice; it's a vibrant community where parents can find inspiration, share their stories, and realize they are not alone in the exhilarating roller coaster ride of parenting. Have questions? Want answers? Get ready to hit that reset button and connect with Z at zcmentalhealth@zuaniacapo.com.