If you're like most people, you want more friends -- and you may also struggle with feelings of isolation or disconnectedness. Fortunately, you can learn how to make friends and use strategies that really work -- and that are based on science.
Friendship is especially relevant and important today, because while 50% of people report they are lonely, having good friends is one of the most reliable pathways to wellbeing and mental health. In addition, people are generally fearful and anxious today -- and friends help provide a sense of belonging, security and camaraderie in the midst of uncertain times.
We are a social species and everyone needs friends. Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert can affect how many friends you want, but everyone needs at least a few people they can depend on, confide in and spend time with.
In fact, when people were asked what it takes to have a fulfilling life, 61% of people said friendship was critical. This is in comparison to the 26% who said having children, 24% who said money or 23% who believe it's about marriage. All of this is according to a survey by the Pew Research Center.
In addition, people report they need more friends, and the number of friends people have is directly related to age -- with those who are youngest reporting they have the fewest friends, according to a separate study by Pew Research.
It takes about 60 cumulative hours to develop a friendship, according to research by Altman and Haythorn, but it's not just about time, it's also about how you spend the time together, based on research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
Here's how to make friends, and what matters most.
An important way to develop friendship is to go beyond the original context of your relationship. For example, if you know someone from work and you invite them to do something over the weekend -- or if you invite your yoga buddy for a smoothie following class -- you're signaling a desire to deepen the relationship.
Leaning in and inviting someone to spend time together is a good strategy to develop the relationship from a co-worker or acquaintance to a friend.
Another primary way to develop friends is to engage in shared activities, especially when you've both chosen to get involved. You can make friends when you're working on a project that you're both required to do, but if you collaborate with a friend on starting a volunteer gaming group at work, this will have an even bigger impact -- because it's something you've both chosen.
You'll also tend to deepen your friendships when you have fun together and when you are doing things during your free time -- in addition to grabbing coffee during the workday.
In fact, when people report how they moved from an acquaintance to a friend, it was most often a joint activity that was the trigger point.
Beyond sharing time and activities together, you'll also need to talk about meaningful topics to develop friendships. In fact, the more frequently you speak and the more in depth you speak, the more fulfilling and long-lasting the relationship will tend to be.
On the other hand, if you just engage in small talk or discuss mundane topics, you are less likely to increase your experience of belonging or relatedness.
To develop friendship, you'll want to,
Ultimately, friendships develop when you both disclose information to each other -- and when that increases appropriately over time. You share a bit about yourself, then they do the same, then you share a little more and so do they -- this shared self-disclosure tends to develop the relationship.
One caution: you'll want to take this self-disclosure at the right pace based on the signals you get from the other person. Sharing too much or moving too quickly to especially sensitive topics can shut down a relationship.
When you're making friends, there is also the very real dynamic of chemistry. With some people we just click -- and feel a sense of alignment and simpatico with them from the start. This chemistry has been demonstrated in research by Berg and Clark -- so it's not just your imagination.
When you feel a click with someone, keep investing in the relationship and you're likely to quickly move from acquaintances to real friends.
You'll also want to consider how many friends to have. This will be a matter of your personality, but you can also give thought to opportunity cost -- when you're spending time with one friend or friend group, you can't be with others.
When you have tons of friends, your relationships may be more superficial because you won't have as much time to spend with each of them. You'll want to find the right balance of how many friends you have and the depth of each relationship.
In addition, you're wise to be choosy about who you spend time with. Over the past couple years, people report they've become more selective about their time with friends -- choosing to be with those who energize them and who need their support -- and spending less time in relationships that are less rewarding. This is according to research by the Harris Poll.
The saying you hear at summer camp is right: You have to be a friend to make a friend.
So how to make friends -- and how to find friends that make you happy? Make strategic investments of your time to enhance your sense of belonging. When you reach out, initiate activities, open up and also support others, you'll achieve terrific friendships and fulfillment -- leading to experiences of closeness and wellbeing.