The relationship we have with our adult children is one of life's most complex emotional territories. We spent decades shaping them, and now suddenly, they have opinions about how we shaped ourselves.
If you've found yourself constantly checking in with what your grown kids think about your choices, your lifestyle, or even your personality, you might have crossed an invisible line. One where their perspective has become your mirror.
Here are eight signs that you've let your adult children's opinion of you define how you see yourself.
Ever catch yourself wondering what your adult son would think about you joining that pottery class? Or hesitating to book that solo trip because your daughter might find it "weird"?
This was me a few years back. I wanted to take up meditation but kept hearing my imaginary adult child's voice saying it was too "woo-woo" for someone like me. The thing is, they'd never actually said anything like that. I was projecting their perceived judgment onto my own choices.
When you start filtering every decision through the lens of "what would they think?" you're no longer living your life. You're living a performance of what you imagine they want you to be.
The truth is, most of our kids are too busy with their own lives to scrutinize our pottery class choices. And even if they do have opinions? Well, that's what they are. Opinions. Not commandments.
Do you feel on top of the world when your daughter compliments your new haircut but spiral when she makes an offhand comment about your cooking?
This emotional rollercoaster is exhausting, and I get it. After years of being the authority figure, it feels validating when our kids approve of us as adults. But there's a difference between appreciating their support and requiring it for your self-esteem.
In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I talk about the Buddhist concept of non-attachment. It applies perfectly here. We can love our children deeply while remaining unattached to their approval as a source of our worth.
Your value doesn't increase or decrease based on anyone's opinion, including your children's. You're worthy simply because you exist.
Remember that guitar gathering dust in your closet? The one you stopped playing after your son rolled his eyes at your "dad rock"?
When we let our children's tastes dictate our interests, we're essentially telling ourselves that our passions only matter if they're validated by others. But here's what I've learned: the things that light us up inside aren't meant to impress anyone. They're meant to feed our souls.
Working closely with my brothers in business taught me that even family members won't always understand or appreciate everything you do. And that's perfectly fine. Your interests are yours to explore, regardless of who gets it.
"I know it seems silly, but..." "You probably think I'm crazy, but..." Sound familiar?
If you're constantly prefacing your choices with disclaimers or lengthy explanations to your adult children, you're seeking permission you don't need. Whether it's your dating life, career changes, or decision to downsize your home, you don't owe anyone a dissertation on why you're living your life the way you are.
Recently becoming a father myself has given me a new perspective on this. I realize now how much parents sacrifice their identities for their children. But there comes a time when you need to reclaim that identity, without apology.
Maybe you don't mention that you've started dating again. Or you keep quiet about your political views. Perhaps you even dress differently when you see them, toning down your style to match what you think they expect.
This selective self-presentation is exhausting. You're essentially maintaining two versions of yourself: the real you and the parent persona you think they need you to be.
But here's the thing: your children are adults now. They can handle the full, complex, multidimensional person you are. In fact, showing up authentically might actually improve your relationship. After all, relationship quality is the single biggest predictor of life satisfaction, and authentic relationships are the highest quality ones you can have.
When they call regularly, you feel valued. When they don't, you question everything about your parenting and your current relationship with them.
This communication dependency creates a dynamic where you're always waiting, always wondering, always reading between the lines of every text message. Did that short response mean they're upset? Are they pulling away?
In Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how mindfulness can help us stay present rather than creating stories about what others' actions mean. Your adult children's communication patterns are more about their lives than their feelings about you.
"You've changed" can feel like an accusation when it comes from your kids. So you stay static, afraid that personal growth might somehow threaten your relationship with them.
But staying the same person you were when you were actively raising children isn't noble. It's limiting. You deserve to evolve, to explore new philosophies, to change your mind about things, to become whoever you're meant to be in this phase of life.
Spending time with my wife's Vietnamese family has taught me how different cultures view the evolution of parents differently. In many Eastern philosophies, continued growth throughout life is not just accepted but expected. Why should we stop developing just because our kids have grown?
This might be the biggest sign of all. If you're constantly taking your adult children's temperature on how you did as a parent, using their current happiness or struggles as a report card for your past performance, you're trapped in a cycle that serves no one.
Every adult child goes through phases of understanding, resentment, appreciation, and everything in between regarding their parents. These phases say more about their own journey than about your worth as a parent.
Your parenting job, in its intensive form, is done. What remains is a relationship between adults, one that should be built on mutual respect rather than constant evaluation.
Recognizing yourself in these signs doesn't make you weak or needy. It makes you human. The transition from active parent to parent-of-adults is rarely discussed but universally challenging.
The goal isn't to stop caring what your children think. It's to care about it in proportion, as one input among many, including and especially your own inner voice.
You spent decades putting your children first. Now it's time to remember that your opinions about yourself matter too. Actually, they matter most. Your adult children need a parent who models self-respect and authentic living, not one who contorts themselves seeking approval.
The beautiful irony? When you stop defining yourself through their eyes, you often become someone they respect even more. Not that it matters. Because you'll finally respect yourself.