I've always been fat, from childhood to my 30s. Athletic, fast, strong, but a fat kid. People were mean about it (it was the 2000s), but no one was meaner than my younger sister. I was jealous. She was always skinny, despite hating exercise and eating anything she wanted. She teased me for what I ate, what I wore, and what I looked like, and the idea that any boy could ever like me looking "like that." My D1 sports scholarship and romantically blossoming at college didn't shut down her commentary but gave me space to ignore it.
I stayed several states away after college. I'm still very active but still fat. I have a soft round face and a 26.5 BMI that never budges up or down. After so much, I'm mostly neutral on my body. The people closest to me, my husband, my friends, they know I don't want to talk about it.
Well, in adulthood, my sister gained weight gradually and is now very visibly larger than me. I would be happy to never talk about or acknowledge weight in my family again. But every time I see her, my sister makes mean comments about my weight, or backhanded compliments, or suggests I've lost weight in a snide way so she can justify ... something?... about her own body. It's exhausting. I don't want to be mean about her weight, but that's my horrible first impulse, so I stay quiet instead. I'm preparing for a family reunion in September, and I don't know how to shut this down for real.
I understand the impulse, but you definitely don't want to say, "How does it feel to be the fat one now? Are you sorry for how you treated me, or should I spend the reunion making fun of you and monitoring your food so you can experience how it felt?"
That's obviously the wrong thing to do; it would contribute to the unfortunate resurgence of 2000s-era thin obsession, it would leave you feeling horrible, and it would probably give her the satisfaction of knowing she's gotten under your skin. Instead, I suggest choosing from the following menu based on your personality, your mood at the moment, and the overall vibes.
Finally, I know that kids can be mean, and I very much remember the wild messages about body image we all received in the early 2000s, but it sounds like your sister was unusually cruel to you. It makes me wonder whether there's something to take a closer look at related to the family you grew up in, how you were both treated by your parents, and how it affected you that nobody stepped in to protect or defend you. Is there any chance this was part of a larger story in your life? Just something to think about. Because even though you've changed your environment and your relationship to your body, those wounds, if they do exist, could still remain.
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Dear Prudence,
My brother-in-law lives next door to me and my partner (his brother). I cook a lot and keep our small kitchen pretty well-stocked. My issue is that BIL frequently asks to use/borrow my kitchen stuff -- anything from an onion to my $400 stand mixer. Recently, he got annoyed with me because I wouldn't loan him my stand mixer on short notice for a dinner party that I was not invited to, and I didn't feel comfortable not being present. My partner says his brother expects that we should "be a community and share things," and he doesn't know what to do about it. And sure, I sometimes borrow the garden rake in the shared garage, but when I need an onion, I go to the grocery store that is five minutes away. I'm definitely extra grumpy because my BIL is much more well-off than me, and my nice things (like the stand mixer) are mostly Christmas gifts from my mom. But I have no idea how to start a conversation about expectations on sharing when he already seems so entitled.
It's definitely strange that your brother-in-law never explicitly proposed sharing resources, if that's what he expected. Communal living is normally something you discuss. But since he didn't, the best way forward is to continue doing what you've been doing: Saying no when you aren't comfortable with his requests, and hopefully training him to recognize what he can and can't ask of you. "I'm not comfortable with people using my stand mixer when I'm not there" was perfect. You could also say things like "Sorry, I can't spare an onion because I buy the number I need to cook with each week," or "Yes, you can have a dozen eggs but please make sure to replace them by Thursday because I'll need them for a baking project." And make sure you always ask before you use his stuff, to set a good example.
And try to be honest with yourself about how much of this is about the stuff, and how much is about your rich, entitled brother-in-law being your personal "bitch eating crackers." If he comes over and asks to use the snake to unclog his toilet, reflect on whether you'd be as annoyed if your good friend who lived down the street had made the request. And if it turns out that this guy can't so much as ask to fill his water bottle from your sink without getting under your skin, the solution might have to involve living somewhere that makes being a community -- and all that entails -- impossible.
Dear Prudence,
I was laid off last month and have been interviewing for a new job. All these interviews have been on Zoom/video call. On these calls, I usually wear a business casual outfit that includes my glasses. Normally, I wouldn't wear glasses on video calls because I don't need them for a screen that close, but I think wearing them gives me a more "professional" appearance. I made the mistake of saying this to my boyfriend, who says I'm being "fake" by presenting myself in a way that's dishonest. He's very obsessed with the concepts of "honesty" and "fairness," and keeps telling me that wearing glasses in an interview is lying, since I don't actually need them for computer calls. For the record, these are real prescription glasses that I use daily for near-sightedness, just not on the computer. Is he right, or am I correct that he's being overly nitpicky?
I don't like this guy. And I don't like that he's trying to make you feel guilty about a completely harmless decision. My head is spinning thinking about what's really going on here. Is he threatened by your career and trying to derail your job search process by poking holes in your confidence? Is he, for some reason, paranoid that you're not being authentic with him and now looking for dishonesty in every area of your life? Is his insecurity telling him that because your classes are extremely cute, an interviewer might fall in love with you and he could lose you? I don't know what it is, but this is just not a normal conversation. He's wrong, you're right, and you need some life changes that go beyond a new job.
My boyfriend and I have been together about four months now, and about a month ago we stopped using condoms (I have an IUD). A few days ago, he told me he had something that he'd been too embarrassed to tell me earlier because he didn't want me to see him differently and ruin something that was going so well. Turns out that what he needed to tell me was that...